Purposely hiding your tears.... Feels good.

Everybody has moments when they cry and they are unable to control their feelings due to some or other reasons.
One such moment came up in front of me just few minutes ago.

I normally just cry my hearts out but I don't purposely try to hide from people that I cried, however, today it was a bit different.

I was at home and other family members were around me, I somehow had to cry to let the negative energy out of me, some mistakes I made in personal life made me feel like crying today. And I just wasn't able to control by feelings.

I thought it would be a good thing to play really loud music and then cry the heck out of me, in that way I could cry really loud sitting inside my room, and as really loud music was playing, no one could get to know that I am crying.

This was the first ever time I felt like I should purposely hide my tears from my loved ones and from anyone apart myself. I don't know the actual reason why I felt so, normally I don't hide my tears, not at least from my mother, as she takes every bit of my tears and some how manages to convert that into a nice and bright smile.

I think the reason why I went on hiding my tears and found shelter in the noise of loud music was because the reason I was crying for, I didn't want that to be known to my parents, I didn't want my parents to feel helpless and sorry for me. I didn't want anyone to know the situation for which I was crying and the past incidents that let me to that crying situation today.

But now, it feels good, I feel rejuvenated. I feel much more energetic, and because I have already cried really a lot, I feel like there's very little of those sorrows within me now, and I have thrown out all the negativity in the form of tears when I cried.

It's good and healthy to cry sometimes in life, this was one of those "sometime" for me, it let out the exasperation out and because I felt empty within myself after I cried, I could quickly let some positive energy get flowing inside my heart and feel the extreme energy flowing through my nerves, my lungs, my entire body in a matter of seconds.

Moment of Self Realisation - What I actually want to do in my life.

Finally, I have convinced myself to write this post, and the reason  I am writing it here on this blog, which I don't personally update quite often, is simple, I want it to stay anonymous and don't want to reveal my identity obviously because I am a bit scared and uncertain of what I want from my life at this moment.

Over two and half years ago, in last week August 2010, amidst time of personal financial stressed situations and worried about where I wanted to go in future and having been surrounded in an environment where money is of utmost importance, I had developed worries about what could I do to make myself wealthy and rich to enjoy luxurious lifestyle and have fun in life in any and every way I can.

I just believed that money is the only thing that would give me and my loved ones immense happiness, I need to earn loads and loads of money to make myself and my family content.

Going back an year;
I got engaged in October 2009, with a lovely girl, whom I really love a lot, whom I really admire a lot, however, just like every girl she too had some dreams, some hopes and some expectations from her future husband, earning sufficiently to afford a standard living as a bare minimum. I wasn't earning good at the time of my engagement, and was not making good combined from all my sources of earning, not enough to afford a standard living.

However, I was still working at the same place and earning same income as earlier till December 2009, and that's when I heard from a friend / colleague that finance was booming and to make money I must be in one of the finance hubs of the world, and as that colleague of mine had studied and worked in Britain first, he advised me to go to London for studying ACCA and try breaking info finance / banking sector.

I am of Indian origin and till Aug 2010 I never travelled overseas in my life, however always had a dream to go abroad and roam around places and live in 5 star hotels etc etc, the very thought of going to London and living there got me "MONEY STRUCK". Only thing I was able to imagine myself was a safe and secure career, a large villa (house), and a nice mercedes parked out side home for my family.

So thats when I went ahead and started applying for colleges in UK (Not universities, as universities are really expensive), I had made a full proof plan, I thought I would finish 2 years of my ACCA and along side secure a Bachelors degree from Oxford Brookes university and then get 2 years of post study work visa in UK itself and so make a good living finally after 2 years (means by now, Nov 2012). However later in late 2011, UK govt announced that post study work will be scrapped from Apr 2012, so that was the start of my dreams scratching off, however till then I was still in dreams of earning millions of £s and making a really luxurious life out of my career, however I started believing that somehow things will work out and if not in UK, I will be able to secure job somewhere else in the world which would still pay me high enough to afford my rich living style that I want to get.

Finally after having completed 12 out of 14 ACCA exams all in first attempt and having secured a Bachelors Degree in Applied Accounting from Oxford Brooke University (due to ACCA's tie up), for some reason in the month of Jul 2012 I had to move back to India, and so I decided to study for my final two ACCA papers in India.

On my way back to India, as I arrived at Heathrow airport Terminal 4, checked in my luggage, got by boarding passes, I kept thinking, in past 2 years in UK, there was nothing to be honest I did that made me feel I am actually enjoying and fulfilling my dream of going overseas, visiting great places, enjoying nice sights, greenery, roaming on streets of London, enjoying night life, visiting famous places, being out with my new friends, etc etc, all I did in those two years was lock myself in my room or be at library and study. However, I thought, do hell with that, once I earn a fortune, I will come back to London with my family and wife and enjoy loads and loads.

So finally, I am back in India in the last week of July 2012, and studying eagerly towards my final exams, meanwhile going through tough time at my home as we are facing some financial downturn in our life at this time, along with these tense worries about financial situation, the present atmosphere, environment, need to make a good living, earn a good salary, and also its now been over 3 years since I got engaged, so worries of getting married are all making me feel scared day by day. Due to obvious family disturbances, locality in which I live, the other family members in this joint family house consisting of total of 18 members, I am not able to concentrate enough on my studies and so I started trying awkward schedules for studying, like starting studying in morning 2 am and studying till 10 am in morning and after that sleeping in day time till evening, and various other stupid schedules, but nothing seems to have worked appropriately and there continues to be loads of disturbances everywhere around me, however, I have still managed to prepare somehow for my final exams, although not as good as I would have in London, sitting in LSE Library studying for about 10 hours a day in Silent Study rooms of LSE.

Amongst all this tiredness and life's non smooth paths and gush of trying hard to earn some money, somewhere it has started daunting on me that what I am pursuing for over 2 years is actually just a rush behind money and nothing else. What I have been doing in past 2 years is all but not what I really want to do in life, its not what something makes me fell HELL YEAH! I wanna do it!!.

Being a banker, making big bucks, doing complicated math behind finance models and trying to figure out price of stocks is really not what I feel like doing, I don't want my life to be completely absorbed around meetings, emails, drafts of emails, targets, agendas, blackberry, schedules, busy routines etc etc. I don't want to work day and night with less than 3 weeks of holidays in entire calendar year. I don't wanna be a slave of my blackberry day and night waiting for my boss's email or client's meeting agenda to fix my next day's schedule. I hate being so overwhelmed by work that I can't give few hours a day to my family, I don't wanna work weekends or for over 80 hours a week often doing an all nighter in front of a computer screen and then at night 3 am when I bring my ass back home, there is no one to even greet me or welcome me home. I don't want to earn so much money that it starts controlling me and my life completely, it will be more like a drug that a drug addict cannot live without. This is not what my journey is all about.

At this stage, I am not sure what I want to do, but this is definitely not what I want from my life, this is definitely not what I believe I am made for,

I tried doing some brainstorm with what I like to do, and I came up with stuff like, I love to create video tutorials, I love to take photos, I love to roam around, meet people, talk to them about various things and make friends.
I love music, I love to listen music as well as play music.
I love to get involved in creativity stuff, stuff that bring happiness, in my life as well as in lives of people around me.
I want to go out and celebrate every day of my life as if it were THE BEST DAY of my life and not stick in front of my computer for 15 hours a day and rest in front of a blackberry / smartphone answering office emails and calls.
I like swimming, I want to get in shape and for that I need to reduce my obesity and for that I need to take out time and start working out.
I still love reading tech related stuff, I love to impart education to those who are unable to get education due to some or other reason. I love to learn new stuff, but stuff that I feel like learning.

I have always wanted to learn to play a guitar, I want to learn flying (not commercial planes, but gliders and helicopters)

But now, this pressure to earn for family, is increasing very tightly. Besides, my fiancee, she's got some high expectations from me and it would be super hurting her if I hurt her feelings. She has given me an awful lot of time and been extremely patient for me to make my career and now if I tell her that this is not what really I want to do, I am so sure that she would feel super betrayed. That is not what I actually want to do, I don't want to hurt her, because no matter what I do, I want to feel happy and I could feel happy if I am satisfied with what I do and I see smiles on faces of my loved ones which consists of my family including my wife.

I don't want to hurt my parents either. They are the soul of my life, my father stood by me in all times, and spent his life time's savings behind my stupid endeavours to become a finance professional and study in London and so on.. Now, how can I tell him that sorry dad, I don't feel like doing all that I have been studying for in more than past 2 years on which you spent your entire life's fortune.

Each day, I say to myself that I must stay put for my family, for my going to be wife and some other time pursue my dream to do what I want to do in my life. But at the same time, my heart says "It's either now or never"....

I have got my final exams in 10 days time and I feel very underprepared for those exams as compared to how much prepared I have been for all my exams so far.. I really don't know what will I do with my life and where will I go, I feel so much messed up from my inner-side at this stage, often feel like running away from where I am at this time, however this is not going to be a solution for anyone, neither me nor for those who are attached to me in some or other way.

I don't feel like doing what I am doing at this time, as a reason of which many times, in late nights I start working out to lose some fat from my body, sometimes i just open up some videos on youtube about entrepreneurs and how to start a new business, etc etc. however, if I am not preparing for my final exams, I feel as if I would be of no use to my family, I would let down my wife and make my parents feel worse about me.

The reason why I have put this post, is not because I want anyone to read it, but because I am tired of carrying this burden in my heart that what I am doing is not what I want to do in life but if I don't do it, it makes me feel bad and guilty in front of my family. I wanted to let out my thoughts somewhere and so thought, anonymous blog would be a good place to start with.

Recipe 2 - Sindhi Koki

Here comes another one!

This time its a rather daily casual stuff, something that we people eat on a regular basis, generally as breakfast in mornings and find it really tasty and healthy to eat.

SINDHI KOKI

Ingredients:

• 4 cups wheat flour (makes 2 koki)

• 1 onion large finely chopped 3 green chillies finely chopped

• 1 tbsp. coriander leaves finely chopped

• 2 tbsp. ghee or oil

• 1/2 tbsp. cumin seeds

• 1/2 tbsp. Annardaana (dried pomegranate seeds)

• Salt to taste Oil for shallow frying

Method:

• Sieve flour, add salt, onions, annardana (optional), cumin seeds, chopped green chillies, coriander leaves and oil (except oil for shallowing).

• Mix well add very little water, knead into the stiff dough.

• Divide the dough in two portions.

• Take each portion and roll with rolling pin just to flatten the roll. Do not roll it much. Slightly roast it on both sides on hot tawa (frying pan) again roll it with rolling pin till it reaches thickness of paratha (This helps to make koki bit flaky than chewy).

• Place it on tawa again, cook on each side, adding little oil or ghee from sides, on medium flame, till very small brown patches appears on surface

• Repeat for remaining dough.

• Serve hot with yogurt or tea or papad.

• It has a shelf life of about 24 hrs, so is ideal for picnics or while traveling long distances

Thanks Fiancee for your simple yet Simply Delicious recipes!

Recipe 2 - Sweet Corn Raita

I continue with my urge of sharing recipes, thanking my fiancee for allowing me to do so.

Today's Recipe

SWEET CORN RAITA

A dish that is perfect for parties, perfect for casual dinners and looks just amazing may that be in a traditional Indian Dinner or western dinner with Indian Cuisine.

Ingredients

1. Boiled Sweet Corns (1 Cup)
2. 1/2 tbsp Red Chilli Powder
3. Yogurt (2 cups)
4. Onion Chopped - 1
5. Finely Chopped Coriander
6. Finely Chopper Mint
7. Coriander Powder - 1/2 tbsp.
8. Oil - 2 tbsp.
9. Salt - 1 tbsp.
10. Sugar to taste

Recipe

1. Heat Oil and Fry Onion and Red Chilli
2. Add corns, red chilli powder, salt and coriander powder, stir for 2 mins and mix it well.
3. Add sugar to yogurt, ChuRn and keep it in a bowl.
4. Add corn mix to it and mix the whole stuff well.
5. Garnish with coriander and mint leaves
6. Please Serve it.

Note:

If you don't like sweet taste, you can skip sugar and use salt according to your preferred taste.

Recipe 1 - Saada Yakhni Pulao

Hello Readers!

Thanks for visiting my blog, here comes the first recipe as promised a bit earlier.

This recipe is for an Indian / Pakistani dish called Saada Yakhni Pulao (Rice)

Saada Yakhni Pulao

Ingredients per 250 gms rice:

• 1 Bay Leaves (Tejpatta)
• 5 Cloves (Laung)
• 2 Green Cardamom
• 5 Black Pepper (Kali Mirch)
• Salt according to taste
• Mixed Spices (Garam Masala)
• 250 gms rice

(For Garnishing)

• Finely chopped Onion
• Chopped Pistachio (into 2 halves)
• Chopped cashews (into 2 halves)
• 1 tbsp. oil

Recipe

Heat oil in a pan, Add bay leaves, cloves, green cardamom, black pepper.

Stir for 2 mins, then add 2 glasses of water in it.

When water starts boiling, put salt and mixed spices into it. Add rice into it.

Now leave pan on high flame. Let the rice soak water, when there is little water left, low down the flame and cover the lid.

Let the rice cook for 5 minutes.

While rice is cooking, take one more pan, heat the oil and fry chopped onion till brown, once onion is fried till brown, take it out of the pan and now fry cashew and pistachio.

Now, Use fried onion, pistachio and cashew as garnishing.

Alright guys, this was a small yet really delicious recipe, my first recipe, courtesy of my fiancee.

I hope you guys enjoy this recipe and let me know through emails / comments if you guys happen to try this recipe.

Have a wonderful day.

Apple Apple Apple Everywhere!

Well, this is not about the fruit Apple, instead it is about the world's most valued (Market Cap wise) company, called Apple Inc.

Its official, Apple's upcoming Sept. 12 event, as events of Apple near their airing date, people start losing their mental stability and probably you as reader of this post are one of those hundreds of thousands of people who have already decided to queue outside Apple stores from Sept. 11 midnight in various parts of the world, without even actually knowing if the new iPhone is going to be made available from Sept 12 onwards, or is Sept. 12 only the date of announcement.

Click on image to Enlarge it!

Its crazy how Apple is taking on a ride everyone with so many rumours about upcoming iPhone 5 (so called worst kept secret in the history of Apple so far).

People seem to really get crazy and nitty gritty about the upcoming event and after having had a recent look at CNet's AppleByte, they have made a whole RAP song on Apple's senior executives like Tim Cook, Scott Forstall, Phil schiller, etc.

There are so many alleged iPhone photos and people like Brian Tong of Cnet are busy trying to decode what the flyer for upcoming Apple event showing "12" with some shadow below it that Brian says looks like making a "5" is all about. May be I am getting stupid at it, but what's there to decode in it? there is less than a week to go for the event, don't we have anything else to move on till the event date comes up?

Tons of photos of the repair site iResQ demonstrate that the new iPhone is going to have a two tone design and Apple is going to throw away the rear glass (probably Apple has learnt about the dropping tests of iPhone, the way the glass completely smashes away!)

But then there are also rumours that these all photos are of a chinese phone called GooPhone. Although several reports and google search results claim that GooPhone i5, the so called Chinese iPhone 5 is actually a leaked version of iPhone 5 prototype. And as usual, there may be some more legal suits against Apple or against Chinese phone maker. Who knows whats true? (Heck! why can't we just wait and watch?)

(Click on images to enlarge them)

There are also videos on chinese website vgooo.com of the alleged next gen iPhone 5 with same boot screen as current iPhone, however as the phone boots it shows "We are unable to complete you", doesn't that show that someone has forcefully tried to install iOS on a non Apple phone and so the phone actually suffered a failed boot up? Well undoubtedly it does seem a dodgy video completely released with a thought of attracting visitors and making some money along side getting some popularity.

Another feature we humans including Brian Tong of Cnet (mobile phone users actually) are really getting crazy about is the wireless charging feature as shown by recently launched Nokia Lumia 920 a Windows Phone.

Brian says this seems to be a big deal in coming years especially with businesses like Airports, Virgin Atlantic, The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf and so on… However, who really cares about it? I mean, there are tons of ways to charge a phone without a electricity outlet, every Aircraft these days has a USB port where in you can plug in your USB charger and let your phone and other gadgets charge, and if not Airplanes, I am sure you guys are aware of XPalPower like stuff, that lets to carry electronic charge for your gadgets.

Another thing, again that may be valid if Apple goes for smaller dock connectors is, according to iLounge, Apple is to be the sole maker of the Dock connector Adapters, this may mean, Apple is saying, go My way or the High Way, so we would need to buy only Apple branded dock connectors in case our original dock connector goes bad! Clearly Apple here wants to limit competition, but again, small local manufacturers do end up making duplicate connectors, especially the road side phone repair shops, etc try to invent new cheaper stuff which costs less to make but sells at a good enough price getting them some nice profit. Well everyone, including the roadside mobile repair man wants a share of Apple's success..

On the other hand, this might also upset existing Apple users who are used to those 30-pin dock connectors. And so all there old accessories, portable speakers, etc may not be any more usable on the new iPhone 5 which is like to adopt a smaller 19-pin dock connector.

Anyways, who knows whats exactly going to be true? Apple might just come up with a different type of Micro-USB charger simply to be one of the crowd and get more flexibility when it comes to connecting Apple iPhone to various devices like Laptop, etc.

A report from Apple Insider, also says, Apple's alleged 9-pin dock connector may be of the same size as Micro-USB

So lets simply wait and watch and see what is Apple upto rather than getting hyper about the rumours surrounding Apple.

Recipe Time - Tons of Recipes to come soon!

My "going to be wife" (Fiancee) loves trying different recipes, tasty yummy dishes, and I am not often the first one to test her cooking skills (thank God!), although, I am aware of her passion for cooking which sometimes makes me crave for her food.

The reason why I am not very often the first person to test her new recipes is because, as an Indian, according to our culture, we don't generally live in together before marriage, and being in a Long-Distance relationship, I hardly get to see her once in 8 months to a year's time.

Anyways, following on to suggestions given by my better-half, I have made up my mind to start sharing with my readers, her recipes! (Please be aware, try at your own risk though! :-P)

So, from now onwards, I shall be posting two to three recipes a week that comes from the great treasure-like recipe diary of my fiancee. I may post a bit more or a bit less in some weeks, depending on how frequently she sends me the recipes that she wants me to share with my readers (yes, she won't allow me sharing her entire own written personal recipe diary!).

So friends, do keep visiting here or subscribe to my posts and let me know how you find the recipes that I shall be starting to post anytime soon now. You can send in your suggestions and any experiences (if you happened to try the recipe) through emails or through comments below.

Thank You very much, I look forward to hear from you guys..

And Thanks My Love (My Fiancee) for letting me share your personal work on my public blog!