Finally, I have convinced myself to write this post, and the reason I am writing it here on this blog, which I don't personally update quite often, is simple, I want it to stay anonymous and don't want to reveal my identity obviously because I am a bit scared and uncertain of what I want from my life at this moment.
Over two and half years ago, in last week August 2010, amidst time of personal financial stressed situations and worried about where I wanted to go in future and having been surrounded in an environment where money is of utmost importance, I had developed worries about what could I do to make myself wealthy and rich to enjoy luxurious lifestyle and have fun in life in any and every way I can.
I just believed that money is the only thing that would give me and my loved ones immense happiness, I need to earn loads and loads of money to make myself and my family content.
Going back an year;
I got engaged in October 2009, with a lovely girl, whom I really love a lot, whom I really admire a lot, however, just like every girl she too had some dreams, some hopes and some expectations from her future husband, earning sufficiently to afford a standard living as a bare minimum. I wasn't earning good at the time of my engagement, and was not making good combined from all my sources of earning, not enough to afford a standard living.
However, I was still working at the same place and earning same income as earlier till December 2009, and that's when I heard from a friend / colleague that finance was booming and to make money I must be in one of the finance hubs of the world, and as that colleague of mine had studied and worked in Britain first, he advised me to go to London for studying ACCA and try breaking info finance / banking sector.
I am of Indian origin and till Aug 2010 I never travelled overseas in my life, however always had a dream to go abroad and roam around places and live in 5 star hotels etc etc, the very thought of going to London and living there got me "MONEY STRUCK". Only thing I was able to imagine myself was a safe and secure career, a large villa (house), and a nice mercedes parked out side home for my family.
So thats when I went ahead and started applying for colleges in UK (Not universities, as universities are really expensive), I had made a full proof plan, I thought I would finish 2 years of my ACCA and along side secure a Bachelors degree from Oxford Brookes university and then get 2 years of post study work visa in UK itself and so make a good living finally after 2 years (means by now, Nov 2012). However later in late 2011, UK govt announced that post study work will be scrapped from Apr 2012, so that was the start of my dreams scratching off, however till then I was still in dreams of earning millions of £s and making a really luxurious life out of my career, however I started believing that somehow things will work out and if not in UK, I will be able to secure job somewhere else in the world which would still pay me high enough to afford my rich living style that I want to get.
Finally after having completed 12 out of 14 ACCA exams all in first attempt and having secured a Bachelors Degree in Applied Accounting from Oxford Brooke University (due to ACCA's tie up), for some reason in the month of Jul 2012 I had to move back to India, and so I decided to study for my final two ACCA papers in India.
On my way back to India, as I arrived at Heathrow airport Terminal 4, checked in my luggage, got by boarding passes, I kept thinking, in past 2 years in UK, there was nothing to be honest I did that made me feel I am actually enjoying and fulfilling my dream of going overseas, visiting great places, enjoying nice sights, greenery, roaming on streets of London, enjoying night life, visiting famous places, being out with my new friends, etc etc, all I did in those two years was lock myself in my room or be at library and study. However, I thought, do hell with that, once I earn a fortune, I will come back to London with my family and wife and enjoy loads and loads.
So finally, I am back in India in the last week of July 2012, and studying eagerly towards my final exams, meanwhile going through tough time at my home as we are facing some financial downturn in our life at this time, along with these tense worries about financial situation, the present atmosphere, environment, need to make a good living, earn a good salary, and also its now been over 3 years since I got engaged, so worries of getting married are all making me feel scared day by day. Due to obvious family disturbances, locality in which I live, the other family members in this joint family house consisting of total of 18 members, I am not able to concentrate enough on my studies and so I started trying awkward schedules for studying, like starting studying in morning 2 am and studying till 10 am in morning and after that sleeping in day time till evening, and various other stupid schedules, but nothing seems to have worked appropriately and there continues to be loads of disturbances everywhere around me, however, I have still managed to prepare somehow for my final exams, although not as good as I would have in London, sitting in LSE Library studying for about 10 hours a day in Silent Study rooms of LSE.
Amongst all this tiredness and life's non smooth paths and gush of trying hard to earn some money, somewhere it has started daunting on me that what I am pursuing for over 2 years is actually just a rush behind money and nothing else. What I have been doing in past 2 years is all but not what I really want to do in life, its not what something makes me fell HELL YEAH! I wanna do it!!.
Being a banker, making big bucks, doing complicated math behind finance models and trying to figure out price of stocks is really not what I feel like doing, I don't want my life to be completely absorbed around meetings, emails, drafts of emails, targets, agendas, blackberry, schedules, busy routines etc etc. I don't want to work day and night with less than 3 weeks of holidays in entire calendar year. I don't wanna be a slave of my blackberry day and night waiting for my boss's email or client's meeting agenda to fix my next day's schedule. I hate being so overwhelmed by work that I can't give few hours a day to my family, I don't wanna work weekends or for over 80 hours a week often doing an all nighter in front of a computer screen and then at night 3 am when I bring my ass back home, there is no one to even greet me or welcome me home. I don't want to earn so much money that it starts controlling me and my life completely, it will be more like a drug that a drug addict cannot live without. This is not what my journey is all about.
At this stage, I am not sure what I want to do, but this is definitely not what I want from my life, this is definitely not what I believe I am made for,
I tried doing some brainstorm with what I like to do, and I came up with stuff like, I love to create video tutorials, I love to take photos, I love to roam around, meet people, talk to them about various things and make friends.
I love music, I love to listen music as well as play music.
I love to get involved in creativity stuff, stuff that bring happiness, in my life as well as in lives of people around me.
I want to go out and celebrate every day of my life as if it were THE BEST DAY of my life and not stick in front of my computer for 15 hours a day and rest in front of a blackberry / smartphone answering office emails and calls.
I like swimming, I want to get in shape and for that I need to reduce my obesity and for that I need to take out time and start working out.
I still love reading tech related stuff, I love to impart education to those who are unable to get education due to some or other reason. I love to learn new stuff, but stuff that I feel like learning.
I have always wanted to learn to play a guitar, I want to learn flying (not commercial planes, but gliders and helicopters)
But now, this pressure to earn for family, is increasing very tightly. Besides, my fiancee, she's got some high expectations from me and it would be super hurting her if I hurt her feelings. She has given me an awful lot of time and been extremely patient for me to make my career and now if I tell her that this is not what really I want to do, I am so sure that she would feel super betrayed. That is not what I actually want to do, I don't want to hurt her, because no matter what I do, I want to feel happy and I could feel happy if I am satisfied with what I do and I see smiles on faces of my loved ones which consists of my family including my wife.
I don't want to hurt my parents either. They are the soul of my life, my father stood by me in all times, and spent his life time's savings behind my stupid endeavours to become a finance professional and study in London and so on.. Now, how can I tell him that sorry dad, I don't feel like doing all that I have been studying for in more than past 2 years on which you spent your entire life's fortune.
Each day, I say to myself that I must stay put for my family, for my going to be wife and some other time pursue my dream to do what I want to do in my life. But at the same time, my heart says "It's either now or never"....
I have got my final exams in 10 days time and I feel very underprepared for those exams as compared to how much prepared I have been for all my exams so far.. I really don't know what will I do with my life and where will I go, I feel so much messed up from my inner-side at this stage, often feel like running away from where I am at this time, however this is not going to be a solution for anyone, neither me nor for those who are attached to me in some or other way.
I don't feel like doing what I am doing at this time, as a reason of which many times, in late nights I start working out to lose some fat from my body, sometimes i just open up some videos on youtube about entrepreneurs and how to start a new business, etc etc. however, if I am not preparing for my final exams, I feel as if I would be of no use to my family, I would let down my wife and make my parents feel worse about me.
The reason why I have put this post, is not because I want anyone to read it, but because I am tired of carrying this burden in my heart that what I am doing is not what I want to do in life but if I don't do it, it makes me feel bad and guilty in front of my family. I wanted to let out my thoughts somewhere and so thought, anonymous blog would be a good place to start with.
Over two and half years ago, in last week August 2010, amidst time of personal financial stressed situations and worried about where I wanted to go in future and having been surrounded in an environment where money is of utmost importance, I had developed worries about what could I do to make myself wealthy and rich to enjoy luxurious lifestyle and have fun in life in any and every way I can.
I just believed that money is the only thing that would give me and my loved ones immense happiness, I need to earn loads and loads of money to make myself and my family content.
Going back an year;
I got engaged in October 2009, with a lovely girl, whom I really love a lot, whom I really admire a lot, however, just like every girl she too had some dreams, some hopes and some expectations from her future husband, earning sufficiently to afford a standard living as a bare minimum. I wasn't earning good at the time of my engagement, and was not making good combined from all my sources of earning, not enough to afford a standard living.
However, I was still working at the same place and earning same income as earlier till December 2009, and that's when I heard from a friend / colleague that finance was booming and to make money I must be in one of the finance hubs of the world, and as that colleague of mine had studied and worked in Britain first, he advised me to go to London for studying ACCA and try breaking info finance / banking sector.
I am of Indian origin and till Aug 2010 I never travelled overseas in my life, however always had a dream to go abroad and roam around places and live in 5 star hotels etc etc, the very thought of going to London and living there got me "MONEY STRUCK". Only thing I was able to imagine myself was a safe and secure career, a large villa (house), and a nice mercedes parked out side home for my family.
So thats when I went ahead and started applying for colleges in UK (Not universities, as universities are really expensive), I had made a full proof plan, I thought I would finish 2 years of my ACCA and along side secure a Bachelors degree from Oxford Brookes university and then get 2 years of post study work visa in UK itself and so make a good living finally after 2 years (means by now, Nov 2012). However later in late 2011, UK govt announced that post study work will be scrapped from Apr 2012, so that was the start of my dreams scratching off, however till then I was still in dreams of earning millions of £s and making a really luxurious life out of my career, however I started believing that somehow things will work out and if not in UK, I will be able to secure job somewhere else in the world which would still pay me high enough to afford my rich living style that I want to get.
Finally after having completed 12 out of 14 ACCA exams all in first attempt and having secured a Bachelors Degree in Applied Accounting from Oxford Brooke University (due to ACCA's tie up), for some reason in the month of Jul 2012 I had to move back to India, and so I decided to study for my final two ACCA papers in India.
On my way back to India, as I arrived at Heathrow airport Terminal 4, checked in my luggage, got by boarding passes, I kept thinking, in past 2 years in UK, there was nothing to be honest I did that made me feel I am actually enjoying and fulfilling my dream of going overseas, visiting great places, enjoying nice sights, greenery, roaming on streets of London, enjoying night life, visiting famous places, being out with my new friends, etc etc, all I did in those two years was lock myself in my room or be at library and study. However, I thought, do hell with that, once I earn a fortune, I will come back to London with my family and wife and enjoy loads and loads.
So finally, I am back in India in the last week of July 2012, and studying eagerly towards my final exams, meanwhile going through tough time at my home as we are facing some financial downturn in our life at this time, along with these tense worries about financial situation, the present atmosphere, environment, need to make a good living, earn a good salary, and also its now been over 3 years since I got engaged, so worries of getting married are all making me feel scared day by day. Due to obvious family disturbances, locality in which I live, the other family members in this joint family house consisting of total of 18 members, I am not able to concentrate enough on my studies and so I started trying awkward schedules for studying, like starting studying in morning 2 am and studying till 10 am in morning and after that sleeping in day time till evening, and various other stupid schedules, but nothing seems to have worked appropriately and there continues to be loads of disturbances everywhere around me, however, I have still managed to prepare somehow for my final exams, although not as good as I would have in London, sitting in LSE Library studying for about 10 hours a day in Silent Study rooms of LSE.
Amongst all this tiredness and life's non smooth paths and gush of trying hard to earn some money, somewhere it has started daunting on me that what I am pursuing for over 2 years is actually just a rush behind money and nothing else. What I have been doing in past 2 years is all but not what I really want to do in life, its not what something makes me fell HELL YEAH! I wanna do it!!.
Being a banker, making big bucks, doing complicated math behind finance models and trying to figure out price of stocks is really not what I feel like doing, I don't want my life to be completely absorbed around meetings, emails, drafts of emails, targets, agendas, blackberry, schedules, busy routines etc etc. I don't want to work day and night with less than 3 weeks of holidays in entire calendar year. I don't wanna be a slave of my blackberry day and night waiting for my boss's email or client's meeting agenda to fix my next day's schedule. I hate being so overwhelmed by work that I can't give few hours a day to my family, I don't wanna work weekends or for over 80 hours a week often doing an all nighter in front of a computer screen and then at night 3 am when I bring my ass back home, there is no one to even greet me or welcome me home. I don't want to earn so much money that it starts controlling me and my life completely, it will be more like a drug that a drug addict cannot live without. This is not what my journey is all about.
At this stage, I am not sure what I want to do, but this is definitely not what I want from my life, this is definitely not what I believe I am made for,
I tried doing some brainstorm with what I like to do, and I came up with stuff like, I love to create video tutorials, I love to take photos, I love to roam around, meet people, talk to them about various things and make friends.
I love music, I love to listen music as well as play music.
I love to get involved in creativity stuff, stuff that bring happiness, in my life as well as in lives of people around me.
I want to go out and celebrate every day of my life as if it were THE BEST DAY of my life and not stick in front of my computer for 15 hours a day and rest in front of a blackberry / smartphone answering office emails and calls.
I like swimming, I want to get in shape and for that I need to reduce my obesity and for that I need to take out time and start working out.
I still love reading tech related stuff, I love to impart education to those who are unable to get education due to some or other reason. I love to learn new stuff, but stuff that I feel like learning.
I have always wanted to learn to play a guitar, I want to learn flying (not commercial planes, but gliders and helicopters)
But now, this pressure to earn for family, is increasing very tightly. Besides, my fiancee, she's got some high expectations from me and it would be super hurting her if I hurt her feelings. She has given me an awful lot of time and been extremely patient for me to make my career and now if I tell her that this is not what really I want to do, I am so sure that she would feel super betrayed. That is not what I actually want to do, I don't want to hurt her, because no matter what I do, I want to feel happy and I could feel happy if I am satisfied with what I do and I see smiles on faces of my loved ones which consists of my family including my wife.
I don't want to hurt my parents either. They are the soul of my life, my father stood by me in all times, and spent his life time's savings behind my stupid endeavours to become a finance professional and study in London and so on.. Now, how can I tell him that sorry dad, I don't feel like doing all that I have been studying for in more than past 2 years on which you spent your entire life's fortune.
Each day, I say to myself that I must stay put for my family, for my going to be wife and some other time pursue my dream to do what I want to do in my life. But at the same time, my heart says "It's either now or never"....
I have got my final exams in 10 days time and I feel very underprepared for those exams as compared to how much prepared I have been for all my exams so far.. I really don't know what will I do with my life and where will I go, I feel so much messed up from my inner-side at this stage, often feel like running away from where I am at this time, however this is not going to be a solution for anyone, neither me nor for those who are attached to me in some or other way.
I don't feel like doing what I am doing at this time, as a reason of which many times, in late nights I start working out to lose some fat from my body, sometimes i just open up some videos on youtube about entrepreneurs and how to start a new business, etc etc. however, if I am not preparing for my final exams, I feel as if I would be of no use to my family, I would let down my wife and make my parents feel worse about me.
The reason why I have put this post, is not because I want anyone to read it, but because I am tired of carrying this burden in my heart that what I am doing is not what I want to do in life but if I don't do it, it makes me feel bad and guilty in front of my family. I wanted to let out my thoughts somewhere and so thought, anonymous blog would be a good place to start with.
